While you were sitting in the backseat smoking a cigarette you thought was going to be your last, I was falling deep, deeply in love with you

Okay, so, I know we're both super busy and I don't know when the next time we're going to be able to talk on the phone is (hopefully soon because I miss your beautiful voice) and I really want to tell you about yesterday, so I'm going to blog about it and then we can discuss further details next time we chat.

October 16, 2011

Jon came over at one o'clock to pick me up and take me on a date. It had been a lovely week and we wanted to do something fun, and given my love of the ocean he decided that we should go to the beach. We drove along the PCH looking for a good spot to stop and Jon noticed a place. "Look, there's a dead seal, " he said, "want to go to this beach?"

"Yes!" I said.

(only we would do that, right?)

So we pulled over and walked down to Dead Seal Beach (newly christened by Jonathan Lareva, Trademark 2011). It was a bit windy but still warm, and we laid down a blanket and towels and sat down. Not long after I decided to go down to the water and see how cold it was, and Jon followed suit. Let me tell you, that water was cold. So I didn't go swimming, but we stood in the water and drew pictures in the sand with our feet. It was a glorious day and the water was a beautiful shade of blue.

Alright, not to ruin the story, but I'm going to do a flashback so you know kind of what I was thinking up to this point: Back in August (I probably told you this already but hold on) Jon had asked if he could say ' I love you' and I had told him I wasn't ready to say it back, so we waited. This got me thinking, and I spent a lot of time wondering if I loved him. I also spent a lot of time praying, asking God if I was supposed to love him. My answer came in the form of a few questions that I have been turning over for the past few weeks.

Do you want to marry him some day? Yes, I do. I want desperately for him to be the one that I marry. I pray that he is.

Then do you love him? This took me awhile (this is the stage I was at last time you saw me). I really wanted to be sure. I wanted there to be no doubt. I didn't want to say it unless I meant it. Finally, last week, I got to the point where I knew without doubt that I did love him.

Why don't you tell him? So I knew I loved him, that I want to spend my life with him, but I wasn't ready for him to know that. This was a really hard question. I was scared to say it because I felt like I was giving myself over completely. I knew that if I said it, things would change, we would be closer, and if this went wrong I would be even more broken. This was very selfish of me. God has been frequently asking me ' do you trust Me?' This is one of the ways I had to learn to say 'yes' and give up my sense of control.

Back to yesterday...

So we were on the beach, being silly. We were dancing and my jeans (yes, I was stupid and wore jeans to the beach) got soaked, but I couldn't stop laughing. The whole date was just amazing and I kept thinking to myself how much I was falling in love with him. We stood facing the ocean and he put his arms around me. He said "there are more fish in the sea, but you are my fish"

I laughed and turned to face him and said, "That's not the sea, it's the ocean. It's much larger. There are much more fish"

He responded by saying "Well, there may be more fish in the ocean," he looked at me, "but you are my fish."

I put my arms around him and said 'I love you' and then put my head against his chest.

I think he was taken aback, and he said "what?!" really quickly. I didn't say anything, and he held me closer and said "I love you too."

Yeah, so that happened.

We said it few more times that day. It's weird, I say 'I love you' to so many of my friends, but when I say it to him it is so different. It is as if when I say it to him that word had so much more depth and meaning. I'm not just saying I love him, I'm saying that I choose him, I want to spend my life with him, I don't want to be with any man but him. It's the same way when he says it to me.

Sorry if this is kind of a sappy, cheesy, romantic post but I wanted you to know, and I wanted to write it down.

We need to talk soon!

Posing A Question of Great Importance

If you read a book that contains multiple books within it, does it count as only one book or as many as are included within the one?

Okay, so, my answer. If a book contains multiple books, such as the collected works of Jane Austen or Shakespeare counts as one book for every book read within the overall book. However, if the book contains shorts stories and poems, it is one book.

Barefoot on a Summer Night

First list: I miss...

Your face

Your voice

Talking to you about things I can tell no one else

Dancing to loud music with you

Eating pie while watching Pushing Daisies

You

You

YOU!

Second list: I love...

That I get to see you soon!

That I'm listening to all the popular music you made me download

That we have summer together

and we're going to Comic Con!

and you're turning 21!

And I get to see you soon!!!!!!!!!!!

The fact that by the time you read this you will probably be back and Redding

aka the 530

You!

Moats and Boats and Waterfalls

First step: take a deep breathe. The hardest part is over. He knows you like him, you know he likes you.

Second step: Finish your DTR (define the relationship)! You two have a lot to talk about, especially considering summer is coming up and you don't want to leave without establishing where you are and what you're doing. He said he was going to ask you out, so wait for him to do that, but you can talk with him about things, like waiting for marriage and why he likes you, before entering into a relationship (I would not say yet that you are in a relationship, only that your feeling towards one another are out in the open). Since he has not asked you out yet I wouldn't worry about calling him your boyfriend or facebook. You just need to be like "Hey. So you know I like you. And you like me. So now we need to figure out what to do next." You two seem to spend a lot of time together, just find a time when you two are alone and talk about everything. Ask him those questions about why and when he started liking you. You can even ask about his past relationship if you think it's a good time. He already likes you, so now you two just need to figure out what you want.

Don't worry so much though, he likes you, he told you that. Just sit in that for awhile and don't worry about anything else. He likes you. He likes you. He likes you. Yay! Yay! Yay!

Okay, my turn.

So this weekend was Spring Gala (like prom for our college). Jon had asked me to go with him, and I said yes, but there was a symphony that used his art as a backdrop, so we went there before that. Actually, we did dinner at Ventura Harbor first, then the symphony, then Spring Gala. Dinner was really fun, we were totally overdressed, but it was really pretty overlooking the harbor and we just talked and hung out for a bit. And then he told me that his parents were going to be at the symphony. Now, this last minute notification didn't bother me much since his parents had just changed their tickets that morning, but I was a little nervous to meet them. After dinner we went over to where the symphony was playing and I got to hang out with some of Jon's artist friends and, being me, talked with some random older people who were there for the concert. Then Jon's parents came. His mom and I got on splendidly ( at least I thought so). His father was a bit less talkative, but we did get into a discussion about guns later in the night.

Alright, so Jon and I sat by each other during the concert, and after intermission he asked if he could put his arm around me. I figured we've been together long enough that that was okay, so I said he could. You know how I am, I don't really do physical, but it felt right. I felt comfortable with him doing that, and I liked how slow we had been going, and this was part of that. The symphony ended, we said goodbye to his parents, and left for the Gala. On the way I was talking to him about camping this weekend and told him that Lizzy, Carissa and I were leaving after Gala, at about one o'clock. He did not like that very much, and told me he didn't want us to leave that late at night. Now, maybe I overreacted, but to me this sounded like my father, and I didn't appreciate it. However, I did not say anything then, I just told him we were going to leave anyways and he had nothing to worry about.

We got to Gala, and I took of my shoes and danced with my friends for a good hour before it ended. Jon had spent most of the time talking with his friends, so we met back up and hung out with people for a bit longer before I needed to go back, change, and get ready to go camping. I told Jon and he decided to walk me back to my dorm. So this was about midnight, and I was extremely tired and pretty loopy because of it. I was walking like a drunk and looked over at Jon and said "I like you" and he looked back at me and said "I want to keep you". Super cute. Super innocent. BUT THEN! We got to my dorm room and I got out my key and he asked "Can I kiss you?" Out of nowhere! Like a train to my face! I quickly said "No" and continued to unlock the door. He said he understood and I told him to text me when he got home, and then shut the door.

I got changed, and went camping until Sunday. The entire time I was freaking out, going over in my head what happened, trying to figure out what to do. It really got to me. We had decided to take things slow, and kissing to me is anything but slow. I was frustrated that he asked me that, but I was more upset with myself because we hadn't talked about that, I hadn't told him my ideas on kissing or anything like that. How was he supposed to know that I didn't kiss? So I spent all weekend mulling this over in my head (and sunbathing and making s'mores). Sunday, after we got back, Lizzy and I went out to coffee and she asked about what I was going to do. I was very flustered and told her how when guys get close to me too close I freak out and end the relationship. She asked me whether this was going to be something to end the relationship over. Thinking it over, I told her that the idea of ending things with Jon made me want to cry, but all I could do was pray (which I had been doing all weekend).

When we left for church that night I still did not know exactly what to say to Jon, but I knew we needed to talk or I was going to continue to freak out till I ended it. When I walked in, Jon was already there, and he asked if we could talk. So we walked into the courtyard and he apologized for asking to kiss me, that he was glad I had said no because it would not have been the right thing to do, and how sorry he was for putting me in that position. I had not been expecting him to talk to me first, so I just said "it's okay" and told him it was something we needed to talk about more later. After church we talked for a bit about other things, but then we went back to the courtyard and I told him how his protectiveness about camping bothered me and my ideas on kissing. We talked for a good thirty minutes about it, and he was very understanding and even impressed by my thoughts. I told him how I had freaked out and I was worried that I was going to end it, and how he needed to be patient with me because that is how I am.

So we're back to going slow. He told me he was going to try and not mess up again, and I told him how I would never expect him to not make mistakes, but that I forgive him and will forgive him, because I want to be with him, and I am will screw up too. And how we need to make sure we have good communication so that we don't have an issue like this again.

Sorry, that was a bit long.

But yeah, communication is terribly important, so you and Hugo just need to find time and talk, get everything out in the open and be on the same page.

Don't forget, if you two are meant to be together God will show you and you can trust Him to be with you through this.

I freaking love you!!!

Man, Oh, Man, You're My Best Friend

I don't know what I'm doing. I feel like this whole thing might be a mistake. And then again I think I'm simply going crazy, because that's what I do whenever I'm even in the slightest semblance of a relationship.

I really want to see him, but he seems so busy right now that I've only seen him once since Wednesday night when I told him I liked him and that was at a birthday party so it's not like we could talk about anything important. I don't want him to feel obligated to see me or like he needs to go out of his way to make plans with me. I don't want this relationship (is it one yet?) to be another thing he needs to do.

Also, I don't want him to feel pressured to ask me out. I just meant I wanted him to make the next move since I already did and because I kind of feel like the guy should. Quite honestly, it could be anything. Even if he just took my hand at some random moment, I think I would be delirious with happiness. Ok, maybe that's extreme, but I would be really happy. I just want him to show me he likes me back too so I don't feel so one sided in things. I feel like things are already official, so in actuality he doesn't really need to "ask me out," I mean he basically assumed that's what I was doing when I told him I liked him. But I was only prepared to receive an "I'm sorry I don't like you back" from him, I never even considered the possibility of me being the one to ask him out. I didn't expect it at all. Ok, maybe I did a little, but I didn't prepare for it. When he said that he liked me too, I was pretty much floored. Anyway, I'm kind of just uncertain about where we stand even though deep down I know I shouldn't be because we've both established that we like each other and will pursue a relationship in the near future.

But I have so many freaking questions for him too. Like, does he think I'm pretty? Why does he like me? When did he decide he liked me? When did he decide he was going to ask me out? Why did he decide he was going to ask me out? Why did he decide to wait? What are we going to do this summer? How do we stay in touch? Do I call him my boyfriend yet? What happens when we go Facebook official?

Despite all my craziness, I like this because it means Hugo and I will probably take things very slow. I mean, very very slow. Which is good. There's no real rush to anything I feel right now and that's good, except I do wonder how we're going to handle things over the summer, if there is anything to handle. But slow is so so so so good. I mean, it seems like we're both pretty new to the whole relationship thing. I would love to just sit him down and talk to him about our feelings on relationships in general, because I have no idea how he feels relationships should be like. I have heard that his last girlfriend broke up with him because he was too clingy, but that's all I really know. And the fact that he likes honesty and good hygiene. I definitely need to at least sit him down and tell him I'm waiting until marriage. That is something I won't back down on for anything in the world and I think that's important to establish right away. I don't want any part of the relationship if he does not want that.

But how do I ask him all of this? I'm trying to keep the crazy in. Maybe I should just be crazy and be like this is what's up and if you don't like it let's not do this. Maybe none of this is crazy and should be established asap. Maybe I'm already dooming our relationship before it even starts.

Fuck.

And this is why you're getting this and not someone else. Because you'll understand.

Girl, I never loved no one like you.

You know me. You know that I like to go about relationships in an old fashioned way. I believe in letting a man lead and open the door for me and (reluctantly) let them pay for dates. That's just how I am.

You, my dear, are not me. I know you see how I waited and everything worked out, but God may not have that plan for you. You are more independent and modern than I am in your thinking, and maybe telling Hugo your feelings instead of waiting for him to tell you is what you need to do.

If you truly believe that you should be with him, have thought about a future with him, and are emotionally ready to enter into a relationship with him, then I say by all means take change and let him know your feelings.

Make sure your intentions are pure, that you don't want to fix him or change him. That you like him for who he is and for who you are around him.

If you feel that this is where you are, then I of course will give you my blessing. I will always support you in your decisions. And if it turns out that he is not the one, or he hurts you in any way, I will be there to take care of his body with you.

I'm always with you, even when you don't see me. We are bound together by friendship and that does not go away because of distance.

I know you are worried, but you are wise and will make the right decision.

Yes to the flasks!!

I freaking love you always and forever!

Home Is Whenever I'm With You

I'm listening to "Home" on repeat and feeling boy sulky. I'm thinking of telling Hugo I like him and then just get it the eff out there.

But I think of you, and how you've done it the right way and you got super amazing Jon, and how I wish Hugo would seek me out like Jon did for you.

And I want to do it the right way.

And I'm sure you're thinking "Well, then he's probably not the right one for you."

But I really want to just try with him. Just try. Because I do really like him. And like, I don't know what to do. I feel like, maybe I need your blessing to tell Hugo I like, though I doubt I will get a full one, not because you're not the most supportive and amazing friend ever, but because I know you don't really believe in it.

So I don't know what to do. Do I not and hopefully save myself from a broken heart somewhere along the line? Do I not and miss out on something amazing? Do I and let things fall where they may?

I don't know. And I miss you. And I wish you were here or I was there and I could talk about this with you in person.

If home is whenever I'm with you, what happens when I'm not with you?

Oh, I think I might just buy us both the flasks. We can bring them to Comicon.