Okay, so, I know we're both super busy and I don't know when the next time we're going to be able to talk on the phone is (hopefully soon because I miss your beautiful voice) and I really want to tell you about yesterday, so I'm going to blog about it and then we can discuss further details next time we chat.
October 16, 2011
Jon came over at one o'clock to pick me up and take me on a date. It had been a lovely week and we wanted to do something fun, and given my love of the ocean he decided that we should go to the beach. We drove along the PCH looking for a good spot to stop and Jon noticed a place. "Look, there's a dead seal, " he said, "want to go to this beach?"
"Yes!" I said.
(only we would do that, right?)
So we pulled over and walked down to Dead Seal Beach (newly christened by Jonathan Lareva, Trademark 2011). It was a bit windy but still warm, and we laid down a blanket and towels and sat down. Not long after I decided to go down to the water and see how cold it was, and Jon followed suit. Let me tell you, that water was cold. So I didn't go swimming, but we stood in the water and drew pictures in the sand with our feet. It was a glorious day and the water was a beautiful shade of blue.
Alright, not to ruin the story, but I'm going to do a flashback so you know kind of what I was thinking up to this point: Back in August (I probably told you this already but hold on) Jon had asked if he could say ' I love you' and I had told him I wasn't ready to say it back, so we waited. This got me thinking, and I spent a lot of time wondering if I loved him. I also spent a lot of time praying, asking God if I was supposed to love him. My answer came in the form of a few questions that I have been turning over for the past few weeks.
Do you want to marry him some day? Yes, I do. I want desperately for him to be the one that I marry. I pray that he is.
Then do you love him? This took me awhile (this is the stage I was at last time you saw me). I really wanted to be sure. I wanted there to be no doubt. I didn't want to say it unless I meant it. Finally, last week, I got to the point where I knew without doubt that I did love him.
Why don't you tell him? So I knew I loved him, that I want to spend my life with him, but I wasn't ready for him to know that. This was a really hard question. I was scared to say it because I felt like I was giving myself over completely. I knew that if I said it, things would change, we would be closer, and if this went wrong I would be even more broken. This was very selfish of me. God has been frequently asking me ' do you trust Me?' This is one of the ways I had to learn to say 'yes' and give up my sense of control.
Back to yesterday...
So we were on the beach, being silly. We were dancing and my jeans (yes, I was stupid and wore jeans to the beach) got soaked, but I couldn't stop laughing. The whole date was just amazing and I kept thinking to myself how much I was falling in love with him. We stood facing the ocean and he put his arms around me. He said "there are more fish in the sea, but you are my fish"
I laughed and turned to face him and said, "That's not the sea, it's the ocean. It's much larger. There are much more fish"
He responded by saying "Well, there may be more fish in the ocean," he looked at me, "but you are my fish."
I put my arms around him and said 'I love you' and then put my head against his chest.
I think he was taken aback, and he said "what?!" really quickly. I didn't say anything, and he held me closer and said "I love you too."
Yeah, so that happened.
We said it few more times that day. It's weird, I say 'I love you' to so many of my friends, but when I say it to him it is so different. It is as if when I say it to him that word had so much more depth and meaning. I'm not just saying I love him, I'm saying that I choose him, I want to spend my life with him, I don't want to be with any man but him. It's the same way when he says it to me.
Sorry if this is kind of a sappy, cheesy, romantic post but I wanted you to know, and I wanted to write it down.
We need to talk soon!
